ddfanonandstoryfandomcom-20200216-history
Recession
Recession' '(Sep 12 2014 - Oct 31 2016) (whole: Apr 6 2014 - Dec 31 2016) - Coming of Age It has become realized and condensed finally, after all this time. Always pictured something of Zach's (or any other kid's) life (outgoing, having love and fun/exciting, social, having to struggle/work to get things, respected, and interesting) as a detachment from my own boring life, of sitting in my room on my laptop entertaining myself and trying to give meaning to my life through several means (and feeling childish doing it) and watching the months go by up until I turn 18 (with extreme inconfidence in the future and my own ability) wherein I would become a typical wage slave adult like every other indignant sad person, having wasted valuable childhood time (which could've went to something better). All while having little firsthand knowledge of the world through either a physical or social lens, while I have few less-than-rich close friends which makes me feel bad because I am more financially advantaged, and therefore am 'not supposed to feel bad' or have feelings or question anything about it because of it (quality > quantity). All this which stirs inconfidence, pessimism, and something of self-hate, all mixed with an innate sense of self-love and at-least-I-tried (bits of self-superiority) attitude but a motivation to try hard to feel productive and useful, despite being somewhat naive and often failing (which comes hard)--though knowing I am a good deserving person at heart. All-in-all preferring close, deep, and meaningful relationships with people, specifically, a person strictly defined as my 'soul-mate' (an often abused term), of which my definition loosened up over time as I neglected a belief in fate or destiny, but the core remains inevitable that there is a void left unfilled that can only be filled by a special person (the, not a). All this added up. It took me nearly 3 years of self-mental torment, anguish, suffering, and coincidences to realize it, this is the result. And here I am writing it. It is a big deal, at least to me, as this is who I am. It's over. POINTS *Zach --- ultimate cause (started, emphasized, ended). I like going to Zach's and hanging around all them because it makes me feel like a kid (or at least like I have a social sense), and is detached from my normal life (sitting on PC, minecraft, this, etc). Seeing Zach's happy/romantic pics of him and Gillian throughout that summer sparked something within me. *Self-Improvement --- I tried as hard as I really could to get into things and make myself interesting, all this time. I used to try to get into and learn about politics, music, history, nat geo books, and everything I could. I'd write big essays about them too. I got into Karate (mainly for this reason), piano, guitar, etc. I contemplated Boy Scouts once, Honors Society, and many other things (after recession started). I hoped to increase my chances of finding soulmate too. Then 2016 happened. I really don't care now, I realize/learned much more about myself (little ambition, talents, a growing distaste/care for people, life, and achieving 'success'). I don't care about that anymore. I just want to find happiness and have a simple little life. *Coincidences --- Along with this is the coincidences fucking with me on a daily basis that I can't escape from. They have ravaged mercilessly starting when the recession started. They are nothing big or anything (usually), just small minor things. Pat says 'they' started 'fucking' with him 2 years n 3 months ago (which happens to fall on Sept 2014). *Fear of Future --- I have been very unconfident in the future (I am in myself so my future specifically) of everyone/the world. It is obvious the world's going down a much different path than past 70 years, and it likely won't be a good one. I feel that I will be alone through it all and thus never fulfill my purpose, so my life will be effectively meaningless. I hate the ignorance of most people typically and can't stand to be around them, but that is also my entire problem (crave for social interaction/other people/excitement). Wanted to kill self but knew I couldn't. No one can help my problems (tried, he gave up), instead everything works against me. It never pushed me to 'lifestyle changes' and other major shit because I was stronger than that (there's no alternative to myself), also I hated being generic and didn't want to be depressed/suicidal in a 'generic' way. *Associations --- There is a difference between hot and cute (though not to me personally; attractiveness is as it is). It turns out I just find short hair cute (and somehow always imagined my 'partner' with it). That part/association has not left and can't leave (though it has changed a lot), it is just there/inevitable and I have to deal with that. Short(er) hair always represented a sort of independence, anddifference from other generic/typical girls. I am obviously a lot more open-minded now. Since day two I have developed a sort of backthought which has to do with the christmas season (and lights), big cities at night, and a sort of french theme (and Beatles/McCartney music). I think this has to do with the sense/feeling of togetherness and warmth that gathers around that time, luxury, vanity, also because I like cities and snow. Columbus zoo wildlights = similar to all those, coincidentally becomes a thing now (brother Dean mentioned it 2 times, then at school). *Traits --- It has never been a good feeling to me when I see all other typical dumb people in relationships, having kids (one reason I dislike babies), etc., yet I have never really got my chance (despite being a good appealing normalish smartish person, not some recluse or something). Would be nice to find girl decently similar to me, traits --> cherish, humor/geeky *Evolution --- I was shy when I was little and bullied (like lot of young weak kids). I only had few close friends and therefore prize(d) close relationships. I began to realize 3 years ago (as I developed my self view) how I have nothing to myself and am uninteresting (I don't entirely share the same view now, I realize I'm not). I need another person to give myself meaning--to create a whole. A second half. I have always had high sense of self-independence and feelings of difference from others. I am/have been so used to being alone for all these years, I am stuck in my ways. I used to have mental wars and conflict with myself but they have faded over time, I am so used to everything or matured by now. *Soulmate Search (best friend/companion/partner) --- It was 10th grade when I made my first connection, which was my first experience. At the time I believed in fate/destiny and that I was destined to be with a soulmate, around that time specifically. There have been several different girls (about 6) I have 'latched' to in last 2 years in those hopes. Some worse than others (and almost all just happened to match the 'physical' side too). They all had those specific traits, and were decent/ideal decisions (of course they were all wrong, as far as I know). I like to be certain of things and am protective, so I go to furthest lengths I can to learn more about people. I am completely in the right and have been doing nothing wrong in all these cases, I am not that stupid. I don't believe in fate anymore but I still hold true to my principles. I take relationships very seriously/sentimentally. It has to be a special person who relates to me on a close level (which isn't really that far-out of an idea, and is very possible--just not where I'm at apparently). No one else is 'good enough', and I appear incapable of mentally comprehending things (imagine what would happen if I got close but failed or they cheated, or they turned out to be retarded). Fuck generic/typical/stupid relationships (drawing attention, being outward, etc), person should be disclosed like me. If I ever got anywhere, would have to try to forget about all the month/creative shit. **I hate generic, hate outward relationships (not affection/romance type, in public). The right person for me would have to be pretty special. No one that I know of is 'good enough', I am sort of a perfectionist (which is why I'll probably never get anywhere either, if i I keep following this mindset). But I don't want to change much from this (my character is mostly established), as there's nothing wrong with it or needing to mature. I only have so many things i care about, desire, or prioritize. really, only one thing. I dont know what its like to be 'normal' hardly because my entire current mentality was built off of 10th grade. Obviously not every relationship is a guy-goes-gets thing, some are forced situtations (which i have no control over)--the only one that works for me. i am not like everyone else in that regard (which is a bad thing and usually trained out of people by reality smacking them in the face, like i likely will be very soon). i am unique among my friends for that, and proud of it. i just have higher standards than my friends because i am a much more closeted kept-to-self person that has developed a singular mentality over years of loneness--which makes it much harder to find a mate, or 'the' mate. i can't do anything about it, it depends on who's there and who they are; and so far i have had no luck. it's really sad i am still doing this, and will be for a long time more. it shouldn't have happened in the first place (it was once special now it has little meaning). my life has been changed and i am borderline delusional almost (especially after last year). i find it hard to control my own feelings and can't handle certain situations, i have to escape. such as with my inevitable-assosciation with ____. whenever i am around them (which, as i get older, will be much more common, so get used to it) i have to escape (going to bathroom or whatever else). i am glad i dont compare myself to other people, because i know im different. It's good to know and be aware of what your own problems are. Odd that the girls with the 'appearance' just happened to also have most of the other basic traits as well. i just wanted to be like everyone else, normal. like zach, who i compared my self with. but i found that it is much harder for me to do so than it is for them. 10th grade, as perfect a chain of events and metaphorical it was, was last year of real 'childhood' (and is for most people), as after that things get more serious, people drive, get jobs, etc. My friends for example (especially Zach). i cant get over the past and move on, because there's nothing to move on to. only reminisce about hte past and what it could have been. its over now forever. I can't just forget about all that shit that happened and changed my life, but i can't do anything about it either. now a good mix at all, creating a mental hell i live in where i just can't catch my drift. The entire thing is fucking ridiculous, that any of this happened, all the coincidences (ongoing), order of events. I can't un-see what I've already seen in past 2 years (mind ruined the entire thing completely and what was special/sentimental about it). Everything now makes sense and is over 100% after 2 1/2 years of wrecking/insulting my dignity. Now to: forget dates, people, musical associations, and coincidences all involved. I have been observing psychological changes of last 3 years so much in last few months that it just seems so unnecessary. None of this should've happened anyway and it is absolutely stupid. New slate begins. DATES In 2014 I became much more independent in thinking and tried hard to learn a lot of things (which enforced that) and later on, thought of joining many things (for a feeling of self-assurance/productivity/usefulness/making myself interesting). Zach came right in the middle of it. This all contributed to feelings building up to the recession. *1/28/2014 - religious conversion *2-3/2014 - further dev *3/29/2014 - crescent (laptop blow) -> *4/2/2014 - genesis - guitar/laptop *'4/6/2014 - Zach w gill contact FB, first time -> begin' *4/12/2014 - first golf *4/30/2014 - first researches *5/2014 - further dev *6/21-23/2014 - zach/gill things, further dev *6/25/2014 - first ocean *7/2/2014 - hentai *7/5/2014 - lemuria/month songs organized *'7/11/2014 - first journal, establish thoughts' *7/15/2014 - Zach call first time, reestablish *7/15-18/2014 - first hut *7/20/2014 - all nighters *7/30/2014 - ohio state fair w/zach, first helicopter ride *7/31/2014 - first political journal *8/1/2014 - ancient history papers *8/4/2014 - discover beatles, shave first time *8/12-17/2014 - Zach stay *8/28/2014 - kieth stay *8/29/2014 - picture day © *9/6/2014 - poke Y *9/10/2014 - zach/ethan friend *'9/12/2014 - experience sorrow -> complete awakening *' *'9/14/2014 - columbus trip w kieth -> self conscious *' *'9/16/2014 - join karate -> improvement *' *9/27/2014 - zach/ethan homecoming -> ambition * *10/5/2014 - organize thoughts *'10/8/2014 - raymond - death thoughts *' *10/11-18/2014 - suicidal *10/31/2014 - no suicide contract/promise *'11/24-30/2014 - movies = improvement, interestingize *' *12/8/2014 - tricounty *12/29/14-1/3/2015 - Zach, baltimore, minecraft+ Category:December 26 2016